almost a perfectionist (oonak) wrote,
almost a perfectionist

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well, my life just isn't going so awesome right now. I'm partly to blame for it, so it's not like the universe is against me, but sometimes I want to say it is.

so, I was going to take part in the finnish dance championships I was in last year with that formation group. I was going to do a solo, and I'd mixed the song myself and had coreographed about half of it. I'd been pretty late doing it, but all my friends were having the same schedule so I thought it's okay since it's normal. I'd just have to practice every day to get it all down. the competition starts next friday in oulu, which is 6 hours by train from here.

last wednesday I went to an audition for the same dance program I was in this year. during the combo I leaned on my left hand and my shoulder made a loud "pop" kind of sound. both my shoulders pop from time to time, the left a bit more, but it's nothing. but after this one, my whole shoulder and arm started to hurt like hell. I could still move my arm somehow and finished two rounds of the combo and then we were done anyway.

my arm wouldn't go straight up from the side and curling it around my body either way hurt like crazy. I thought it might be partly dislocated or something. next day I went to an orthopedist and got a doctor's note for the championships and a referral to a physiotherapist. hopefully I'll get an appointment soon.

I have overly flexible joints and my shoulders are loose, which is why they snap and pop and crackle, and something in my shoulder has been torn because the muscles aren't strong enough to support the looseness. the doctor couldn't tell for sure, but said that since shoulders are slow to heal, it can take weeks. it has gotten better so little it's making me mad, and, the point of all this, is I won't be able to compete.

the competitions are once a year and I still can't believe this horrible luck. just... maybe I wasn't meant to do this this year. and even though I was running late and had a tight schedule, I was excited and ready to do it for real. I had been thinking about it all year. and I keep thinking, if I'd finished coreographing it earlier, might I be able to go now and dance despite this pain. there are still 4 days left. but I can't practice every day now like I was supposed to so even if the pain had lessened by friday at all it wouldn't really help.

I don't have a summer job either, again, and it's partly my own fault because I haven't been looking hard enough. I thought I had a good chance of getting one job but I didn't. and it's so late it feels stupid to still be looking but I will.

so basically, I'm broke, broken, lazy, and unable to express myself. I need to find some silver lining in this.
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